Hummingbird Whisperings
“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; and will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
— Isaiah 40: 29-31
Pulling out a rickety, wooden chair next to my tiny, round kitchen table, I sat down to sip my steaming cup of Constant Comment. Inhaling the spicy cinnamon aroma, I let it soothe my throat as well as my hurting heart. A comforting drink, warming my hands while I hoped it would also magically “make it all better” in my life. Where is my magic dust when I need it?
Countless changes, disappointments, and losses had led me here to this upstairs studio apartment over a garage. I had a breathtaking wintery view of endless evergreens and rustic homes, about fifteen miles north of downtown Juneau, Alaska. Arriving in The Last Frontier, I had fulfilled a bucket list item, while living with a heart overflowing with sadness. I think I had a case of situational depression.
I was grieving and alone. I needed to find my way again. I was lost on the journey of life, and not sure which path to take next. It was late December, and a chill seeped deep into my bones, as well as throughout my heart. I did not know where to turn next, but just decided to head straight ahead –North to Alaska.
I did not pray to our Lord for several weeks as I searched for a new church family, set up a P.O. Box, found a grocery store for food and supplies, and bought studded snow tires. Satisfied I had sheltered and protected myself to the best of my ability and life experiences, I began to reflect on my new situation living here in Alaska. I doubted God was really listening to my prayers, all the prayers from my faith family in Bellingham or close friends. Wasn’t he aware of all my challenges, losses, and disappointments? Why didn’t he answer my prayers? Maybe I was not worthy. Had I failed him?
During the previous three years in Bellingham, I had worked full-time as a community health educator earning $15 per hour in order to pay my mortgage as a single woman. I had completed all the requirements for a Washington Teaching Certificate, had applied for sixty teaching positions in a fifty-mile radius from my home, and completed ten interviews. Every time the principal would call to let me know I had been their second choice, so they had offered the position to someone more qualified. They were not more qualified; they just were cheaper as brand-new teachers.
I had resigned my health educator position so I could be available for the daily substitute pool in two school districts. I was told they usually hired full-time teachers from the sub pool. I subbed continuously in K-12 classrooms for the next school year, receiving positive and encouraging comments from teachers and principals. My hard work, optimism, and perseverance let me down. This had never happened to me before in my life. I had always reached my goal.
I finally realized I was too qualified and too expensive because of my education and sixteen years of teaching experience. Through grave disappointment and buckets of tears, eventually, I was forced to sell my home during the beginning of the 2008 Recession. Before moving to Washington, I had survived a divorce after a thirty-year marriage and bankruptcy, so I had developed a steel core of inner strength and resilience. But to no avail, I could not “move the mountain, nor go around it.”
Where was God? I cried out, “Please, God, help me. What is your will for the rest of my life?” Why wasn’t he listening to all those prayers? Sitting in my tiny studio, I decided to pray aloud for God’s mercy to heal my heart, and to give me a sign he had not left me alone. “Are you there, Lord? Are you going to help me rebuild my life now? What are your plans for me? I am listening right now.”
Suddenly, as I drained the last drop of tea, I heard the whoosh of flapping wings right before me outside the window. A huge bald eagle spread his enormous wings as he flew slowly past, almost touching the windowpane.
At that moment I realized God was reminding me of his greatness and power. He is omnipresent-in all places and all times. He covered me with the shadow of those wings in one instant to remind me to trust, obey, and to rest in His arms of refuge. I just needed to pray, listen, and follow the urgings of the Holy Spirit. And I did.